Keep Your Damn Approval to Yourself

That's sounds quite nice and straightforward, doesn't it? This quote in the image? And it makes sense we should be comfortable with who we are and what we do rather than base our sense of self-worth on the opinion of others. Am I right?

Wrong! All those sensible sounding words sum up to one thing - Bullshit! Utter and pure bullshit!

We, all of us who are considered social animals, are programmed to seek the approval of others whether we do it consciously or subconsciously. Yes, even those people who make it a point to tell the world they don't want anyone's approval do actually seek approval. Sometimes more than the others.

There is noone that I know of, not one person, who violates this rule. It applies to poor and rich, downtrodden and powerful alike. We live in a society, we live by its rules, or we face the consequences, so we are constantly seeking its approval, we just don't think about it.

Otherwise, it would be common knowledge (without the expose) that the Pope was guilty of child molestation. The Pope is a powerful man, and by no means poor, why would he hide his activities? Simply because he knows what he is doing is not approved by society and law.

At an other extreme, take Mother Theresa. I am sure she didn't help the people in need because she wanted to get any applause, but I'd be 1 to 100 that it did make her feel good when the society took notice of her good deeds and appreciated her for the wonderful person she was!

This programming starts early in our childhood, remember the "good boy" "bad boy" concept? What is that? Simply seeking your parents' approval. Then it goes on to school, with the grades actually quantifying how much approval you have got.

Some people who don't go to school or drop out, they get the approval in other ways. By making money! Bill Gates maybe be a high school drop out but he is a very rich and successful (read: has money) therefore he meets the society's approval

It is everywhere. When you are keeping your car under speed limit, you are doing things the approved way. I know some people would point out that they do go over the speed limit. Sure. But do you do it in front of a police car or speed camera? You are not defying shit, you are just sure you won't be caught.

Approval comes in various flavours and styles. When people laugh at your jokes, when someone clicks Like on your Facebook post, when your boss says "Good work!", when your girlfriend says "Oh, you are so romantic!" they are all forms of approval and you eat all of them up!

But why do we say we don't need the approval?

Because it makes us feel better. Even though we all conform, we all also want to be known as the Rebels. It makes us feel good! And we always back it up with little acts of rebellion that don't cause much harm. Unfortunately I can't expound on this theme without giving away my little professional secrets.

But seeking approval is not a bad thing. Much as we would all like to be bad boys and bold girls, civilisation as we know it could not handle it.

Imagine if nobody followed the law, nobody cared about the social conventions and noone gave a damn about appearing nice, ...well, we would be worse than animals. And we would perish.


Now, I don't give a damn if you like my blog post or not since I only write for myself but...;-)

Why Salsa people are good people.

One of my reasons for loving salsa is that it gets me to socialise and meet a lot of nice people. I am not one for socialising or going out to meet strangers. But going out to learn salsa has the great side effect of meeting a lot of lovely people. In this post I want to quickly list out why I think Salsa people are nice people as opposed to say going out to normal nightclubs.

- Salsa people are social
Why else would they be out dancing and chatting with other people? Even the introvert people (like me) enjoy meeting other people and having nice conversations. Even in the short time that I have been learning salsa I have a lot of salsa friends, not because I am such a great guy but because they are such friendly people. They reach out to a stranger, reassure a nervous beginner and are friendly as a rule.

- They are open to new experiences
They come to the salsa class because they are open to doing something they haven't done before.

- They are about self-improvement.
Learning a new skill like dancing Salsa I would count as self-improvement. It takes a lot of practice and perseverance to learn salsa so essentially salsa people are the kind of people who are willing to dedicate their time and effort (and money) to learn a new skill. I am not counting those who give up after a few classes but I am counting those who realize they have got the bug and come back to Salsa to try harder (I am one of them.)

- They are capable of laughing at themselves.
Even in the beginning of the learning process you find out that learning to dance Salsa means making a lot of mistakes while you learn. And all the successful Salsa dancers learn to laugh at their mistakes and keep trying. (Those who don't learn this cannot be successful in salsa. It's just that kind of dance.)
[Caveat: I have heard about these "LA" style dancers who take things very seriously and are irritated by mistakes. I haven't met any of these myself so I will stick to my point.]

- They are not heavy drinkers.
At least not when they dance. Although it's not a teetotallerian environment, alcohol doesn't flow as freely around a Salsa dance floor as in a normal club. Some people abstain as they find it counter-productive for their learning in the class while others (like me) get high on the dance itself. Whatever the reason, I haven't seen any drunken behaviour or bar-fights in a salsa event yet.

- They come from varying ages and backgrounds
And variety being the spice of life it makes it things very interesting. Doing salsa I have met people from 20 and younger all the way up to 60 and above. And I have loved chatting with all of them.

- They are usually modest
During the early period of learning salsa we come to realize that it's not a quick and easy skill to acquire. On the way to learning this skill we go through a period when we are not any good and we watch more experienced dancers burning up the dance floor. I think that makes us humble.
That's not to say that there is no vanity on the salsa dance floor but that's not the norm. Most salseros are modest, friendly people who salsa because they love to dance not because they want to show off.

- They are good dressers.
This is a given considering that half of the salsa people are ladies, but even salseros make an effort to dress well for the occasion. The result is that in any salsa social you spend an evening with a bunch of well-dressed, friendly, fun people.
What could be better?


So there you have it in a nutshell why I think Salsa people are some of the best people you could meet socially.

I would love to hear what you think...

Bullshit Omniscience Principle

This is a principle that I have come up with. In says that like God, "Bullshit is everywhere." Let me elaborate.

You must be familiar with the old quote, “It’s love that makes the world go round.” Some jaded people hold the view that “It’s money, not love, that makes the world go round.” Actually both are wrong.

 

My principle, Bullshit Omniscience Principle, says that "It’s not Love and it’s not Money, it’s the Bullshit that makes the world go round. If it weren’t for the bullshit that we constantly hand each other the civilization as we know it would cease to exist."

I know, I know, you are not convinced yet. I will prove it with examples from real life. But before that, let's define what constitutes bullshit. I'd say that anything which you say but don't mean, all the half-truths, all the white lies, all the things you say just to please someone...etc. etc. that's all bullshit. 

So when you go visit a friend couple and see their child for the first time, the first words out of your mouth are, "Oh, he's sooo cute! Cho chweet!", even when you are thinking, "God, they can use HIS photo to scare Gabbar Singh!". Bullshit! 

When you meet a friend's wife or girlfriend for the first time, afterwards you tell him, "Shefali seemed really nice!" Bullshit. Actually you were thinking, "Such a control freak! She's going to make his life a living hell. And doesn't he see those teeth or what?"

When ladkewale talk to the bride's father at the planning stage they always say, "We don't want anything..." Bullshit! They think the bride's father will give them more than they can ask for. 

When you are sitting in front of the interviewer for the job, your words are and I quote, "I don't worry about overtime, the work should be finished." But after you get the job, you make sure if you enter the office at 9:01 then you leave by 17:01 not 17:02 even if you have to shut down everything 20 minutes in advance. And any day when India is playing Pakistan is a day for you to fall sick. 

The interviewer is no fool either, he's paddling his own bullshit. "Our company has an excellent employee growth program.." when he's really thinking, "Yes, we will give you a score of C+ on appraisal and give you a 3% raise or tell you to go find another job." 

This is even more interesting in the case of girl candidates. She would serve up some bullshit wrapped up in nice words, "I am very focused on my career, I am hard-working, a team player and totally dedicated to my work." When actually, she's thinking, "My father is looking for a boy for me, as soon as the engagement is done, I will be out of here so fast there will be a hole in the air."

And the interviewer is thinking, "So what if she doesn't know anything about automation and answered 7 of the 10 questions wrong. She's cute, at least there will be some good-looking faces around here, the male-to-female ratio in the testing team is already so pathetic!" 

The examples are too many and time too little. But let's take one more. 

You are on a date with a beautiful girl with a figure like your favourite bollywood goddess. You say, "My god, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen!" Bullshit! You were looking at boobs, you don't even know what colour her eyes are! 

On the other hand, she is saying, "Awww, you are so sweet!" but thinking, "Thank god, I Googled him before coming on this date. If he didn't make so much money, I'd out of here like a scared rabbit...what a geek!"

Okay, I must stop here, as you can see there is absolutely no shortage of examples from our real life and I think I have made my point now. 

Let me summarize by saying that bullshit is the lubrication that keeps the wheels of the civilization turning smoothly, it's the glue that holds this world together. In fact if there's one thing that separates us from the Neanderthals it's our capacity to paddle bullshit all day, every day, ad infinitum. 

But you know, if you want some no-bullshit material you can always come read my blog. ;) 

Kahan aa gaye Hum Log

I was just talking to a friend today and somehow the conversation turned towards old TV shows. I was reminded of this old TV serial called "Hum Log".

The facts about it can be found at its wikipedia page I will only talk about what it meant to us.
It began telecast soon after we bought a TV set. The program aired in the evening prime time and the whole family gathered in front of the black and white TV to watch it from beginning to end with rapt attention.

In the week between the two episodes we talked about it sometimes. It was the first soap opera on the Indian television. The beauty of this show was that the show was about a family and the whole family could watch it together. It was a show based on real life and meant for real people. There was no vulgarity, no awkward scenes, and yet it managed to keep our attention all the way through. The story was usually very simple, the incidents so simple that they could really happen to you. Just a small, middle-class family trying to make ends meet, and every member of the family trying to survive while still struggling to make their dreams come true.

I know I shouldn't but I can't help but think about today's soaps in comparison. The family hierarchies are so complex you need a guide map to know who's married to whom (as I understand it, it depends on the time also, these things change), there's a huge amount of drama, and all kinds of weird things going on. I don't know who these families are supposed to be because they are not from the real world, and who are these intended for. What do you learn from a character who dies 7 times and comes out alive out of some hole in the ground every time? How is it supposed to enrich your mind by watching 2 women act like bitches to each other?

Once or twice I have been trapped in a situation where somebody turned on the TV on one of these trashy shows and I could not walk out because it was raining or too cold outside. And I have to admit, I had a severe problem not puking all over the carpet. Not just the story but the whole treatment of the thing is such that it's disrespectful to the viewer to serve them this crap.

How is it that we have advanced so much in our technology, our economy is so great, we have evolved as human beings but our tastes in programming have become so abysmal?

We had more and better entertainment when we had 2 government channels and a limited menu of programs through the week. Now we have channels in 100s but the entertainment value of the television has reduced to the point where I prefer to keep mine off most of the time. Even if I find a movie that I like and could watch, I have to turn if off because, there are so many ads and so many ad breaks that it makes me more angry than entertained.

And hence my question - "Kahan aa gaye hum log?"

Beauty is a sham!

“Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.”, we have all been hearing it since ages, haven’t we? I have too, but then I ask myself, “If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder then what the hell are all those beauty contests for?”

I used to watch as many of the beauty contests as I could. I still wouldn’t mind watching if I knew beforehand of the schedule. But I wouldn’t because I don’t read, watch or listen to the news.

There have been times when the judges have selected a beauty queen and I have said, “Well-deserved!” (Like Sushmita Sen winning Miss Universe), but there have always been times, when I have screamed, “Are you bloody kidding me!?” (No, I don’t say “bloody” that’s more of a British word and I have recently moved to Britain, but the word I was going to use is not so nice. Anyway…)

So you can say that since my idea of beauty differs from those judges, it really is in the eyes of the beholder. Are you sure?

There are common ideas of beauty, as a group of people or society at large would agree to what is beautiful and what not. That same group of people might agree on a 100 people and yet may have dissent about others.

Or, you could meet a girl you don’t find attractive at all but who is somebody’s girlfriend or somebody’s wife, the apple of their eye, the prized possession or whatever..(ack! The inscription on the knife in my back reads “Women’s Lib”). And you do see the kind of guys or girls who look to you like nobody can find them beautiful by any stretch of imagination and yet….for example I think Julia Roberts is ugly, but her fans would want to kill me a slow and painful death just for saying that. There is a quote that I read recently, it says “..in the right light, from the right point of view, in the right situation, everything is beautiful…”, something like that.

So what’s the deal here? Is it in the eyes of the beholder or is it something that can be defined?

I have been thinking about it lately, quite a lot, and I have come to the conclusion that leaving apart the extreme cases of individual preferences beauty is largely defined by society. Beauty is what a certain ratio of the population may possess. It has to be a group not so small that almost nobody has it, but it has to be something that not everybody has it. Let me take an example.

Big breasts are considered sexy and something to have, so much so that surgery and money come into play. But if all the women in the world had big breasts, it wouldn’t be sexy. If only a few hundred women in the world had big breasts, it wouldn’t be sexy. It’s something that’s possible to see in a man’s lifetime, but something that’s not common - that’s beauty!

I will take two examples to illustrate my point.

My friend N in Germany, has a preference of brunettes, dark-haired girls. I can’t understand why because I think blondes are so sexy! But, he argues, Germany is full of blondes, brunettes he doesn’t see so often. On the other hand, India is full of brunettes almost exclusively, and blondes….not really. Hence my fascination.

Second point is from a story I read in high school - Country of the Blind. Don’t ask me who wrote it, I am too old to remember that now. One peculiar thing that I never forget about that story is that the hero, who is the only person with eyes and a stranger in that land, falls in love with a pretty girl who is considered ugly in that society. The barometer of beauty in that land of the blind is skin. Yes, the smoother the skin of the girl, the more beautiful she is considered. I don’t remember the story in its entirety and I doubt that it has any statistics but I will give you even odds that smooth skin was something not every girl had in that country.

Beauty, as per my arguments, is nothing more than a statistically selected group of features, a standard defined by the society and thus, is completely worthless!

So, do you agree or do you want to cross swords with me on this one?

How popular are you?

This first made me laugh but as I read through the FAQ and other pages, I seriously admire these guys. Fantastic idea. Check it out here:
The Popularity Dialer .

Too bad they are only in the US. I could have used some help to boost my popularity.

Good work, guys!

Happy Birthday!

Today I'll talk about my personal life (yeah, like I talk about anything else on this blog). People who have been checking my blog lately would know that today is my birthday. So, as expected I am receiving the usual emails, phone calls, instant messages, text messages etc. etc.

At this time, I divide the people I know into 3 categories. First one, the people who I expect will remember and wish me, and they do. Second, people who wish me but I was not expecting them to. Also in this category should be people whose method of wishing exceeds my expectations like i was expecting an email but they tracked me down and wished me on phone in whatever corner of the world I was. Usually my parents are in this category. Since they have no business with the english calender, they cannot always remember the date and thus my date of birth holds no significance for them. Therefore I do not expect them to wish me or remember. This year they did, last weekend when I was talking to my mom on the phone she did remember, out of the blue and thus my parents did wish me.

Well, on to the third category - the people I think will remember but do not. Bad though it may sound, it is not really that bad. You always know how someone feels about you, every time you interact with them. The whole relationship does not boil down to the two words - "Happy Birthday", they are just bonus.

In this day and age when a man's circle is so big he can hardly remember the names much less remember dates for each one of his friends, associates and acquaintances, it's all done through reminder systems of some kind, paper or electronic, other than a few birthday you can never forget even if you tried (more on this later). But the very real and pressing stressful demands of real life can push it to the back of your mind. I have missed some myself, and I have had that happen to me.

I am very bad in that I don't remind anyone of my birthday, even if I am talking to them on that same day, I don't mention it.

Despite my cool, clearheaded and calm philosphy and understanding, sometimes I do feel a little disappointed. Not angry, just a little disappointed! Not about everybody, just a few people, very very few, in this category. I think once I have lost that little, tiny bit of disappointment, I will have attained enlightenment!

The Mot Juste

While working in Germany I learnt that the word for "shit" in German is "Scheiße" pronounced "sha-izay". But of course, it's a dirty word so people don't say it, especially not in the work-environment. So they say "shit" because that's not a dirty word, not in the German language. I have seen similar practices in other places other languages.

Translation is not the only subterfuge. There are replacements for the dirty words in the same language too. When I first went to US and started watching the TV shows, I was appalled by the language. My favorite type of TV shows are comedy sitcoms and they are mostly based on a family situation or friends and families. I was shaken out of my socks watching a young girl use words like "screw" in her father's presence! Believe me, I opened the dictionary and checked to see if there was any other meaning. No, it is the word that means "sexual intercourse".

The difference between "screw you" and "fuck you" is only that one can be used on the national television and the other has to be replaced by a beep.

There is a whole system of such replacements words that covers profanities, blasphemies, aggression and sometimes just plain nothing. For example, I'd really like someone to explain to me what is gained by replacing "ass" with "arse" when both are pointing to the same part of our anatomy.

My point is when everybody around us knows what the word we speak really stands for, what is the sense of this whole shocked-look-hand-on-the-mouth kind of righteousness.

Both sets of words mean exactly the same thing, convey the same meaning and yet...

I think Man must be the only animal in the animal kingdom who has two faces!

This thing called Guilt

I am just thinking - Is GUILT a natural human emotion? My way of finding out whether something is natural or learned is to look at two groups - animals and children.

Do animals have any feelings of guilt? No, I don't mean your "Tommy, you peed on the couch's leg again. Bad dog!" kind of guilt where tommy flashes a sorry face at his owner in response. I mean natural born feelings. I don't think animals have any emotion of guilt. They do what they want to do, or need to do, and do it when where they feel like doing it.

The same goes for children. If they had any feelings of guilt or propriety, you wouldn't have to potty-train them. Children also do as they please, when they please.

Somewhere between childhood and youth we acquire this feeling of guilt. If the boy is watching TV, at the back of his mind he has a guilty feeling that his mom already reminded him of homework.

When a couple is having sex, they maybe reminded of the fact that they are not married and what they are doing maybe considered sin or a bad deed in the eyes of the church and/or the society. Isn't that where the phrase "walk of shame" comes from?

As a matter of fact, there are a lot of examples where one part of your mind is busy enjoying something while a little part of your mind is busy rationalizing it, trying to put away the guilt.

Not all the things we do are fine, and there is such a thing as a good or bad, but some time, I think, we should pause for a moment and think about how much of our guilt is real and how much just our attempt to live our life our own way defying the norms forced on us by society.