Baba Aur Dhoni

Place: Baba Ka Darbar
Date: Day of World-Cup Semi-Final with Pakistan
Time: Morning

Sanyasin1 comes to Baba with a smile.

Sanyasin1: Baba, Dhoni ji aaye hain.

Baba: Achchha tabhi main kahoon ye mahila bhakt sab itna muskura kyon rahi hain! Bulao, balike, bulao, Bharat ke sher ko.

Dhoni comes in.

Dhoni: Baba pranam. Aapka aashirvaad lene aaya hoon.

Baba: Vijayi bhav, putra! Apna naam saarthak karo. Dhoni ho to dho dalo Pakistan ko.

Dhoni: Baba, lekin ek samasya hai.

Baba: Bolo baalak.

Dhoni: Baba, jab main pitch par hota hoon to ladkiyan bada distract karti hain. Kaisi kaisi khoobsurat ladkiyan line deti hai ki kya bataoon aap ko.

Baba: Arre beta, kanya_en agar Bharat ke star ko nahin line dengi to kya Salman Khan ko line dengi?

Dhoni: Par baba dhyaan to bant_ta hai na!

Baba: Haan baalak, aik samay par ek hi game mein dhyaan rakho warna..

Dhoni: Baba even Pakistani girls itni line deti hai, apne players ki taraf dekhti bhi nahin..

Baba: Beta, Bharat ke gabru jawanon ko Pakistan hi nahin har desh ki sundariyaan line deti hai..par pitch par tum sirf khel mein dhyaan rakho.

Dhoni: Magar kaise baba, kaise?!

Baba: Thehro, hum tumhen aik picture message bhej rahe hain.

Dhoni's Android phone beeps, he takes it out, looks at Baba's message and shudders.

Dhoni: Kitni daraawani photo hai! Baba, kaun hai ye?

Baba: Ye Rakhi Sawant ki maa hai.

Dhoni: Oh, magar baba...

Baba: Iss photo ko print kar ke apne bat ke peechhe chipka do. Jab bhi man vichlit hone lage, bas isse dekh lena, stree jaati se tumhara interest hi chala jaayega.

Dhoni: Wah, Baba, aap mahaan hain! Baba ki jai!

Sanyasin1: Android wale baba ki...

Bhakt Crowd: JAI!

Baba: Jao, vijayi bhav!

[Now we wait and see if Dhoni followed Baba's advice.]

Baba Ke Glamorous Bhakt

Baba ko to aap log jaante hi hain. Baba ka darbar laga hua hai. Baba pravchan kar chuke hain. Bhakt log darshan ko aa rahe hain..koi sirf aashirvad lene aata hai to koi apni samasya lekar matlab se aata hai. Baba sabka ud_dhaar karte hain.


Sanyasin 1: Baba, Rakhi aayi hai.


Baba: Balike, tum to jaanti ho hamare ashram mein sirf yahi ek tyohaar hai jiska naam lena verjit hai. Valentine's day ki baat karo, Diwali ka naam lo, Rakhi ko chhod do.


Sanyasin 1: Nahin baba, Rakhi Sawant.


Baba ka aasan dol jaata hai.


Baba: Balikao, saare joote-chappal chhupa do, phir usko baad unko bulaao.


Sanyasin 2: Kyon baba, ye kya joote churati hain?


Baba: Arre hamein churaane ki nahin, chalaane ki chinta hai, balike. Tumhe kya lagta hai ye apne talent se famous hui hai?


Rakhi Sawant Enters.


Rakhi: Baba ki jai ho. Baba aap mahaan hain. Aap kamaal hain. Aap ke jaisa koi nahin, meri mummy bhi kehti hai...


Baba: Balike, ijjat dekar ijjat utaarne waale tumhare style se hum parichit hai..mudde ki baat par aao..


Rakhi: Baba, mera last show ekdum flop ho gaya, baba. Main kya karoon mera talent kum hota jaa raha hai, baba, kuchh upaay bataa_iye na.


Baba: Hmmm..Google ki sharan mein jaao. Search karo - "Delhi Police Online Training", jitni nayi aur karaari gaaliyan milengi sab tumhare agle reality show me kaam aagyengi.


Rakhi: Wah baba, aap to kamaal hain. Lekin ek aur problem hai baba.


Baba: Abhi aur bhi? Khair bolo.


Rakhi: Baba, naye show ke liye naya producer bhi chahiye.


Baba: Haan ye to samasya hai, jisne tumhen ek baar dekh liya wo to dobara haath lagayega nahin.


Rakhi (hurt): Baba!?


Baba: Baba se nakhra mat karo, baalike, baba tumhari aukaat jaante hain. Hmmm, aisa karo, Bollywood ke Apple store mein jao aur aisa customer search karo jisne pichchhle ek saal mein iPod, iPad aur iPhone teeno ko naya version khareeda ho. Usse zyada akal ka andha aur neeyat ka ganda banda tumhen nahin milega. Wohi tumhara show produce karega.


Rakhi: Wah baba, you are too good. Baba ki jai..


Sanyasin 1: Android waale baba ki...


Bhakt crowd: JAI!!


Baba: Jai-jaikar chhodo balike, aur aashram ka shuddhikaran karo.


Sanyasin 1 and 2: Jee baba!


Baba starts bhajan..."Ramchandra keh gaye siya se, aisa kalyug aayega..hans chugega daana dunka, hans chugega dana dunka, kauwa moti khaayega...he ji re..."


Sanyasins join in: "hans chugega daana dunka, kauwa moti khayega..."


Baba (still singing):
suno siya kaljug mein, kaala dhan aur kaale man honge
kaale man honge
chor uchchakke nagar seth
aur prabhu bhakt nirdhan honge
nirdhan honge
jo hoga lobhi aur bhogi
jo hoga lobhi aur bhogi
wo jogi kehlayega
hans chugega dana dunka
hans chugega dana dunka
kauwa moti khayega


Crowd joins the sanyasins in chorus: "hans chugega daana dunka, kauwa moti khayega..."


Sanyasin 1: Baba, Mallika aayi hain.


Baba: Mallika_on ka raaj chala gaya balike, ab to Miss India_on ka raaj hai.


Sanyasin giggles: Nahin baba, Mallika Sherawat. Then to Sanyasin 2 in a whisper, "Baba ka general knowledge poor nahin hai?"


Sanaysin 2 (in whisper): General knowledge ki baat nahin, baba ka taste better hai.


Baba: Arre aaj subah-subah kiska munh dekh liya.


Sanyasin 2: Baba, aaj to jab aap uthe to TV par Clinton ka interview aa raha tha...


Baba: Uff, tabhi to...khair bulao inhen bhi.


Mallika Sherawat enter amidst whistles from male bhakts.


Mallika touches Baba's knee: Baba ki jai ho.


Baba: Arre hamein kya Emraan Hashmi samjhaa hai baalike, wahin se baat karo.


Mallika (pouting): Baa..ba!


Baba: Balike, yahi tumhara ekmatra talent hai, isse vyarth kharch na karo. Kaho kya samasya hai? 


Mallika: Baba, meri to kai problems hain?


Baba: Ek-ek karke pitaara kholo. 


Mallika: Baba, mere dress designer ko koi nayi inspiration nahin aati, main heroine hoon, mujhe nayi nayi glamorous dresses mein dikhna zaroori hai. 


Baba: Balike, uska qasoor nahin hai. Jitne chhote kapde tum pehanti ho usme usne jitnee variety dee hai wo kamaal hai, isse zyada chhote karega toh ander ho jayega. 


Mallika: Oh, baba, aap bhi bas...baba, mere producer bhi bade limited ho gaye hain. Sab ghuma-phira ke wohi limited scene dete hain...kissing-dance, kissing-dance isse aage kuchh bhi nahin. (pouts)


Baba: Isse aage badhega to public ke joote khayega. 


Mallika: Toh main kya karoon, Baba?


Baba: Bollywood reet sada chali aayi, bhaanti-bhaanti se gund phailaai. Jiski film mein line khatam ho jaati hai wo music video se gund phailaata hai. Tum bhi music video banaao. 


Mallika: Wah, baba, what a great idea! 


Baba starts singing: 
mandir soona soona hoga
bhari rahengi madhushaala madhushaala
pita ke sang sang bhari sabha mein
nachengi ghar ki baala ghar ki baala
kaisa kanya daan pita hi
kaisa kanya daan pita hi
kanya ka dhan khaayega
hans chugega dana dunka
hans chugega dana dunka
kauwa moti khayega


Sanyasins join in the chorus: "hans chugega dana dunka, hans chugega dana dunka, kauwa moti khayega"


Baba: "he ji re he ji re he"


Mallika: Baba, baba, bas ek aur last problem. 


Baba: Bako. Haan, matlab bolo, kanya. 


Mallika: Baba, meri popularity badhaane ke liye kya karoon, taaki main phir se number 1 bun jaaoon?


Baba: Android per apne dance ki app launch karwao, popularity raatoN-raat badh jaayegi. 


Mallika: Wah baba, you are great! Baba ki jai...


Sayasins: "Android waale baba ki..."


Bhakt crowd: "JAI!!"


[Bhakt toh aur bhi hain par samay seemit hai..aaj itna hi.]

Baba Ke VIP Bhakt

Scene: Baba Ka Darbar. Bhakt log are sitting. Two cute sanyasins flanking baba on either side assisting as bhakts come one by one and narrate their problems.

Sanyasin 1: Baba Sah Rukh Khan aaye hain aapki sharan mein.

Baba: Oh, Junior Amitab Bachchan? Haan, haan, bulao.

SRK: B…b..baba, p...p…p..pranam!

Baba: Abe pranaam bhi kistoN mein karega? Kabhi to passenger chhod kar express pakad liya kar.

SRK: B…b…baba, main samjha nahin.

Baba: Arre itna samajhdar hota toh kya Asoka jaisi filmein banata phirta? Chal khair kya samasya hai?

SRK: B..b..baba, meri filmein chal nahin rahi hain kuchh upaay batayein kaisi film banaoon?

Baba: Abe, Don ki copy tune kallee, Devdas tune bana lee, ab Maine Pyar Kiya ki copy kal_ley.

SRK: B..b..baba, ye aap kaise bol rahehain?

Sanyasin1: Baba ko Akshya Kumar syndrome hai.

Sanyasin2: Baba jab aavesh mein aa jaate hain toh Dilli-6 ki bhaasha mein baat karne lagte hain.

SRK:. Oh, par B…b…b…aba, main kya karoon jo meri film hit ho jaaye. Meri 4 filmein pit chuki hain.

Baba: Arre mere slow motion ke Dilip Kumar, jab tu 30 second ke dialogue ko ghaseet-ghaseet ke, ghaseet-ghaseet ke 3 minute mein bolega to public to bore ho hi jayegi na? Aur kaam nahin hai kya logoN ko?

SRK: T…t…t..toh kya karoon, Baba. Main aapki Sharan mein aaya hoon.

Baba: Theek hai. Apne Android phone mein ek app download kar…

SRK: Ba….ba, Android phone toh hai nahin.

Baba shouts: Arre bahar nikalo isko!

Two mustande sanyasi grab SRK by the arms.

SRK screams: Khareed loonga, baba, khareed loonga!

Baba signals. The sanyasi’s leave SRK.

Baba: App download kar, it’s called “Nana Patekar Speech Therapy.” Practice kar, speed level mein aa jayegi, phir movie bana aur aish kar.

SRK: J..j…jai ho baba ki!

Sanyasin1 & 2: Android wale baba ki…

Bhakt crowd: JAI!

Sanyasin 1: Baba, Amit ji aaye hain.

Baba: Haan bulao lamboo ko. Haan bhai, aa jao, wo naariyal ka ped hai dekho sir na lage, bachaakar aa jao.

AB(Read this in Kuldeep Dubey version of AB): Baba! Baba ki jai ho. Baba meri madad karein. Main badi mushkil mein hoon, baba. Meri popularity kam hoti ja rahi hai, koi film mein nahin le raha, baba.

Baba: Arre mere chalte phirte khajoor ke ped, pehle to tumne Kaun Banega Crorepati, Kaun Banega Crorepati kehte kehte khud apne aap ko hi crorepati bana liya aur duniya ko choona laga diya..phir tumne Abhishek ko Bharat ki bholi-bhaali janta par chhod diya…usko baad 70 logoN ke sapno ki rani Aishwarya ko ghar le gayi..kitne dil tod diye..aur ab aaye ho ki baba log pooch nahin rahe hain, hyen?

AB: Baba, wo to bas ho gaya, buri sohbat mein pad gaya tha, baba. Aap ki sharan mein aaya hoon, baba, kuchh madad keejiye. Ab aap hi uddhaar kar sakte hain.

Baba: Hmmm…to sun. Saat somvaar subah saat baje Google ke blog par comment likh. Likh ke tu filmi duniya se sanyaas le raha hai…

AB: Baba?!

Baba: Shaant! Aathwein somwaar baba khud comment karenge ki tu sanyaas mat le, filmi duniya ko teri zaroorat hai. Tab to cancel kar dena. Baba ka haath tere sar par aa jayega, popularity apne aap badh jayegi.

AB: Baba! Baba aap mahaan hain! Baba ki jai…

Sanyasin 1 & 2: Android wale baba ki….

Bhakt crowd: JAI!!

Android Waale Baba Ki...

Year: 2069 AD
Place: Baba Sunilanand ka ashram

Baba ke bhakt (more women than men) holographic ghaas par apne-apne PIACS (Personal Information And Communication System, much advanced and portable version of laptop) liye baithe hain. Aashram ki rooftop par badi si dish lagi hai. Wifi signal is strong. Kaune-kaune mein mobile charging points bane hue hain.

Baba ke aane ka sanket hota hai. Bhakt apne PIACS par jalte diyon aur agarbattiyon ka holographic display chaloo kar dete hain.

Baba Geruye rang ke suit mein andar se nikal kar aate hain...

"Baba, Sunilanand ki.."
Crowd shouts, "JAI!"

"Bolo Android waale baba ki..."
"JAI!!"

Somebody plays "Jai ho, ho, ho!" on his device. Kuchh yuvtiyan ek do thumke lagaati hain, then stop.

Baba aasan par sthaan grihan karte hain. Baba ke handsome, tejwaan chere ko dekhkar kuchh yuvtiyaan aah bharti hain. Baba ke kaan mein advanced bluetooth v51.0 ka handsfree laga hai. It can hook up with baba's mobile phone, read his email from his PC, connect to the Ashram PA system wirelessly and is thought-activated. Saath mein machchhar bhagaane ka kaam bhi karta hai.

Baba pravchan aarambh karte hain.

Baba uvaach:
"Bhakto, we are living in difficult times. Microsoft has announced 267th security breach in their operating system last night. We must keep patience. It will pass.

Bhakto, samay bada kathin hai, achchhe log kubudhi ka shikaar hokar apna maansik santulan kho rahe hain. Jis par Apple ki mahadasha chal rahi hai usse sirf Google hi bacha sakta hai.

Apne man mein Google ka jaap karo aur achche, sundar (baba looks at the front row which is full of beautiful bhaktins), vichaar rakho.

Ab question answer."


Ek bhakt aage aata hai, "Baba, naya PIACS liya hai, Windows ka kaun sa version install karoon?"

There's a gasp from the bhakts around him.

Baba uvaach, "Windows nahin, baalak, Google Chrome OS 17.3 install karo. Tumhara kalyaan hoga."

Another bhakt asks piteously, "Baba, MacBook Pro ek week mein teesri baar crash hua hai. Kuchh upaay bataayein, baba."

Baba nods solemnly, "Tum par Apple bhaari hai, beta. Chrome PIACS 5 mein invest karo. Sab theek ho jayega."

There is a commotion in the back. Some disciples come forward dragging another bhakt by the collar. They throw him down in front of Baba's aasan. His device is clutched defensively in his hands. It's showing a Microsoft logo on the screen.

"Baba, he had Windows Vistaria installed on his device!" They shout accusingly.

Baba raises his hand and looks up to the sky, "Forgive him, O divine Cloud, he does not know what he is doing."

There's a puff of smoke, 3.9 seconds later, when the smoke clears the Microsoft logo has been replaced by Google logo on the man's device. There's a collective gasp in the crowd.

The accusing disciples shout vehemently, "Baba ki..." "JAI!"

"Android waale baba ki..."
"JAI!!"

Baba smiles softly.

Baba stands, two bhaktins stand on either side of Baba, Aarti starts, "...Red, green aur yellow ki mahima jo koi gaave..."