50+ Scratches

Yeah, it was a bank holiday and I wanted to blog something. Took the tag from Bikram's post and decided to enlighten you about my life. :) 

This tag is pretty simple. Just strike out the things that You have not done so far and to make it a bit spicier add a line or two as explanation to the ones that you have Done..

1. Graduated high school … Yes. Long time ago

2. Kissed someone… Well, I am single so I better not answer this.

3. Smoked a cigarette. …. Yes, but not properly. For various reasons I wanted to smoke so many times, but always found some reasons to not. So, smoking a cigarette for me means holding one between my fingers and pretending.

4. Got so drunk you passed out… Never. Not a big drinker.

5. Rode every ride at an amusement park… Nope. Don’t like roller coasters and the scary rides. I am only good for very gentle ones like boats and stuff.

6. Collected something stupid… when I was a boy we used to make playing cards out of match boxes, but I don’t think it counts as stupid because my friends did it as well and we used to play against each other.

7. Gone to a rock concert…

8. Helped someone... Of course. Isn’t that part of being human?

9. Gone fishing… Nope. Vegetarian.

10. Watched four  or more movies in one night…I am sure I have, have even watched at least 3 movies in the single day on the cinema. Probably 4 also at some point.

In India, people used to hire a VCR for the night and play movies back to back, 3-4 movies a night. Have attended some of those sessions. That deserve a post of its own.

11. Snorted cocaine/Weed.. Never EVER going to do that.

12. Failed a subject… more than once.

13. Been in a car accident… a few, unfortunately. A bike accident too after which I had amnesia temporarily.

14. Watched someone die…

15. Been to a funeral…

16. Burned yourself… Yes, many times, but not enough to need a hospital.

17. Run a marathon… Not gonna happen.

18. Cried yourself to sleep… Unfortunately, yes, a few times. Last time was when my mother passed away.

19. Spent over 10,000 bucks in one day… If bucks means Indian rupees, yes, many, many times. If bucks means US dollars which is like 430,000 rupees, yes, that too.

20. Flown on an aeroplane…  Many times. Took a flying lesson also on a Cessna 172.

21. Written a 10 page letter… If emails count then yes, on a paper letter, no. And even with emails not the love sick kind of letter, just giving advice to young ones.

22. Gone skiing or Sailing… No, but hopefully, soon.

23. Cut yourself… Many times, but not enough to need a hospital.

24. Had a best friend… still do. And I have many very close friends. I am very lucky that way.

25. Lost someone you loved… Yes. More than one, unfortunately.

26. Got into trouble for something you didn’t do… Does homework count?

27. Stolen a book from the library… Nope. Never stolen a book from anywhere. Begged and borrowed many books many times.

28. Gone to a different country… A few. US, Germany, Switzerland, South Africa, Netherlands, Denmark, Scotland, Wales, England, France, Sweden.

29. Watched the Harry Potter movies… First two, got bored in the third one.

30. Had an online diary... My blog counts as one I think.

31. Fired a gun… Yes. Came 4th in a firing competition in NCC.

32. Gambled in a casino… Several times. I enjoy it a lot, yet somehow never end up becoming a degenerate gambler.

33. Been in a school play… Kind of. Not like a real play, but been in some performance pieces at school time and later also. Wrote and directed some skits later.

34. Been fired from a job… Not in a “You’re fired!” kind of way but I worked as a contractor for many years.

35. Taken a lie detector test… No, never needed to.

36. Swam with dolphins… Can’t swim.

37. Voted for someone on a reality TV show… Oh God, no!

38. Written poetry… Yes, you can even find some on this blog.

39. Read more than 20 books a year… I probably don’t average that now but when I was younger I used to read a lot. I have probably read that many a month sometimes.

40. Loved someone you shouldn’t have… Yes. Many times.

41. Used a colouring book over age 12…

42. Had a surgery… Nope. Hope I never need  it. Really scared.

43. Had stitches… No and hope never need it. Fingers crossed.

44. Had more than 5 IM conversations going on at once.… 5 is a light session for me.

45. Been in a fist fight… Been in fights but not real fist fights. Always been a coward, always avoided fights. How do you think I developed this sense of humour?

46. Suffered any form of abuse…

47. Had a pet… Not me, but when I was very young we had two dogs. I don’t count that as me having a pet though.

48. Petted a wild animal…

49. Dyed your hair.. Yes, and still do. My unique style.

50. Got a tattoo… No. I have commitment issues.

51. Had something pierced… Nope. Low pain threshold.

52. Got straight A’s… First two years of school I did well, then went down. Now, doing my Master’s at an advanced age and got distinction in both my module in semester 2.

53. Taken pictures with a webcam.. Yes, many times.

54. Lost something expensive… My heart. Again and again.

55. Gone to sleep with music on…Everybody has.

 Take it forward people, and please comment here with your link so I can read yours. 

The Big Bang Theory - Sometimes things just click

It just made me laugh out loud so much that I wanted to keep it for later. 

(click to watch the video)

Wrong or More Wrong?

You decide!

Salsa is a woman!

My reasons why I think salsa is female:

1. Has various moods and speeds. 
2. Is sexy and spicy with a lot of glamour. 
3. You need to find the right music for her. 
4. Takes work to first get familiar with her. 
5. Is complex but fun if you love her enough to put in the time and effort. 
6. Needs constant attention from you. 
7. You love to dress up for her. 
8. She keeps you on your toes. 
9. Is more intoxicating than any wine imaginable. 
10. Makes your heart beat fast. 

And... 

She does leave you all hot and sweaty ;) 

My favourite Big Bang Theory Quote

I just find it so funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3jxdGZshpo

My First Web Series - Excuse You!

So, we released our first web series a couple of weeks ago. It's called Excuse You and you can watch it on our YouTube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/g7filmproductions

It's a comedy based around a London restaurant and its crazy staff. We release one new episode every Monday. So far, there are 3 episodes.

Here's the direct link to the first episode:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc2kkB9kn8g


If you want to keep up with the series, Subscribe to the channel.

Of course, we like it when people click Like on the videos as well. ;)

I have kept the videos enabled for embedding, so if you'd like to share the episodes on your Facebook page etc., feel free!

Comedy Circus - 4.12.2011

Amazing episode, best of all episodes of all seasons!

Be Kind to Your Computer

[Photo: Courtesy worldwidedigitaladvertising.org. Article from external source.]


"Come on, you useless little piece of junk! Print. PRINT! PRINT!!"

Are you one of those people who shout at your computer whenever it fails to please you with its unquestioning obedience and superfast performance? Are you one of the frustrated thousands who look for a hammer when the Control-Alt-Del doesn't work?

Perhaps it's time to rethink your approach. Scientists in a company in Norway have released a research that describes the negative impact that "dysfunctional behaviour with inanimate electronic devices" can have on the human nervous system. Based on a sample of 2200 people from the IT and IT-dependent companies these scientists have developed a profile which they are calling "Electro-Chemical Human Responsiveness Index". This profile, called ELCHER for short, categorizes the range of various responses humans have in a "failure through negative feedback loop" situation.

During the study subjects were told to interact with a computer system as part of the "preparation" phase of research. Typically, they were told to fill out a form in a word processor and print and sign it before bringing it back to the researcher who would then tell them what they were supposed to do as part of the "research" phase.

The computer systems were rigged to produce 3 different kinds of failures in sequence. Examples of failures included - failure to save the file, various error messages during typing, sudden deletion of all text, flickering of display and printer failure.

The scientists claim that depending on a human user’s reaction to a failure condition produces different chemicals in the body. Users who were observed (secretly) to shout at the computer system in a failure situation were later discovered to have a higher level of melatonin in their blood stream than those who suffered patiently. Melatonin is a harmful chemical that increases the electric polarity of the red blood corpuscles leading to an increased chances of cerebral damage.

Users who silently suffered the malfunctions were measured to have 3 to 5% of increase in their melatonin levels whereas users who shouted at or cursed the system were found to have a whopping 73% to 81% melatonin in their blood. Normally melatonin, known in the scientific circles as the “hormone of darkness” is released in the blood by the pineal gland in very specific situations.

The company, Digichem Research Labs has hinted that they are planning to use this research to develop a highly sophisticated gadget to offset this phenomenon. No design or prototype is  available at this stage but the company spokesman, Druger Balonski confided in the Norway Times that it would be a wristband type gadget that the user will need to wear only in front of the computer to offset the “negative feedback loop effect”. No other details about how the gadget will work have been shared at this time while the company waits for a patent hearing.

Until the gadget is in production though, we would advise you to be kind to your computer!

[Source: Norway Times English Web Edition]


This whole article is a joke. There’s no truth in it as far as I know. I just wrote it to flex my creative muscles.

Purba's Sita

Fellow blogger Purba has written a 3-part story of Sita that is so hilarious that it'd be a crime not to share it.

Therefore, here are the links. Warning: You might fall off the chair with laughter, so if you are reading in office, be careful!

Part 1
http://purba-ray.blogspot.com/2011/10/when-sita-clicked-write.html
Part 2
http://purba-ray.blogspot.com/2011/10/sita-travels-abroad.html
Part 3
http://purba-ray.blogspot.com/2011/10/this-is-sita-reporting-live.html

Funny Quotes from Wayne's World

Just some funny quotes from the classic 90's movie - Wayne's World. They are so hilarious, I had to share them.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105793/quotes

Reblog: Why Apple sucks

Just to remind, most of these reasons are valid for all Apple products. Enjoy :)

http://techbu.com/2009/06/20/15-reasons-why-i-hate-apple-and-why-ipod-touch-sucks/comment-page-7#comment-289629

Akbar Birbal - Finding The Right Balance

Once it happened that Birbal and Akbar exchanged some hot words and Birbal took off in anger.

After a few days the Emperor cooled down and realized that he had treated Birbal unjustly. Also he was missing Birbal's scintillating wit and his intelligence in solving the daily issues in the court.

But even though the emperor was ready to call Birbal back the problem was that Birbal had left no forwarding address. He had simply disappeared. Also, Akbar didn't want to have to apologize to Birbal even though he wanted him back.

Having lived in Birbal's company for so long, the Emperor had also gained some craftiness. He devised a plan that would find Birbal without having to make an announcement that would give away Akbar's eagerness to have Birbal back.

Soon, all the district Sarpanch's in the kingdom received a goat from the Emperor. With the goat was a message - the goat was the property of Emperor Akbar and was being entrusted to the district for safekeeping for a month. The goat must be well taken care of and returned at the end of the month. The most important thing was that the goat must not gain any weight during the month nor should it lose any weight.

Sarpanch after sarpanch watched as the messengers from the Royal Court weighed a got in front of him and told him that it should be the same weight 30 days later, within a reasonable limit.

And once the messengers were gone, the Sarpanch invariably scratched his head. The message from the Royal Court was as baffling as it was clear. The whole thing sounded like a riddle.

Even though a huge crowd collected on each site to watch the sight of a goat being put in a balance, no citizen had any ideas to keep the goat's weight constant.

I am sure some smartasses would have suggested sending it to a slimming clinic had such been invented back then.

Some villages tried smart methods like feeding the goat for fifteen days and then not feeding at all for the remaining fortnight and other variations. Invariably the goat either died or lost weight. In some cases the goat actually gained weight.

On the 30th day, there was only one goat that weight almost exactly the same as a month ago. The Emperor was extremely interested in that goat. He found out which district the goat had been sent to and went there immediately.

On questioning from the Supreme Ruler himself, the Sarpanch gave up the secret - "Sire, we fed the goat very well, as the rations were kindly provided by the Zille-ilahi, but after a day's feeding the goat was then taken away and tied in front of the tiger's cage for the night."

Akbar smiled at the clever solution. Fear of the tiger would counteract all the goat's feeding without starving it. It was ingenious! Then the Emperor asked the million-dollar question - "Who told you this solution?"

The Sarpanch gave the name of the wise villager who had saved the Sarpanch from going crazy with the insoluble puzzle and in a short amount of time Birbal was standing in front of Akbar accepting Akbar's weak apologies with a tolerant smile.

Moral of the story: A full stomach does not equal happiness if the heart is not free of fear. 

Tickets, please?

Every Monday, I buy a weekly ticket to London in order to get to work. Every day the ticket is checked, at least twice, usually 3 times. First checking is in the train, when a ticket inspector walks by and asks,

"Tickets, please?"

Without pausing the movie on my tablet, I reach into my pocket, pull out the 3-part ticket folder, open it, and hold it for him to check and nod.

"Thank you" he walks on by.

Since I sit in First Class I can be sure to be checked every day without fail.

Then I come into the station and there is a long line of ticket checkers, about 5-6 on either side of the exiting passengers. Again, I reach into my pocket, open the folder, and let them see it as I walk by. Two or three of them look at it while the others are distracted or busy doing something else.

Now, here's the twist. As I said, it's a 3-part folder. One display window contains a photocard with my photo and number on it. Second window contains a weekly ticket, that's related to the photocard by the number. The weekly ticket changes every week, the photocard stays the same. Every week when I buy a new ticket I place it in the display window.

But one week, I didn't!

Instead I placed it in my wallet and travelled like that next morning. I expected to be challenged by the first ticket checker I met. Here's what happened:

"Tickets, please!"

No pause. Show ticket.

"Thank you!"

Jerking my head up staring at the back of his head, then at my ticket! Yes, it is the old ticket!

Then at the station, same thing, 3 inspectors look at the ticket, 2 of them nod. I turn to look back at them with disbelief. I should mention that the end date of the ticket is largest, most centrally located, highly visible text on the ticket.

This continues for 4 days. On the fourth day, Friday afternoon, I am the only one in the First Class compartment, the ticket inspector comes up,

"Can I see your ticket, please?"

No pause, show the ticket.

"Thank you."

I went back to my movie. I was used to this now.

Two seconds later, the ticket inspector comes back, "Can I see that ticket again, please?"

As he takes it and starts scrutinising it, I know the jig is up. I take my current ticket out of the wallet and place it on the table.

Also, this ticket inspector had never checked my "invalid" ticket so far.

It took 4 days and 40 ticket inspectors to catch one invalid ticket. How many ticket inspectors do you think it'll take to change a lightbulb?

Big Bang Theory - How to ask a girl out

Recently on a friend's recommendation insistence, I started watching this TV show called the Big Bang Theory. I have to admit, she was right, I loved it! From the first episode of the first season, I enjoyed it immensely.

There are many things about it that I enjoy, but humour being very subjective and fairly resistant to analysis I think it's an exercise in futility to try and enumerate the reasons why I like this show. Hehe, this is how these guys speak.

I enjoy it because the humour is mostly cerebral and doesn't resort to cheap antics or slapstick. The 4 physicists who are the central characters are quite nice, next-doorsy types even though they are physicists and have astronomical IQ's.

But also that they cast Kaley Cuoco in one of the main roles and I love her! She's as hot as Megan Fox only thinks she is!

Since I can't post a video clip from the show I am posting some photos.

But you said this was vegetarian?!!

I should probably not share this story because it shows what an idiot I can be but what the hell, it's funny.

Once upon a time...actually in 2006, I was working in Germany for the prestigious FIFA World cup 2006 project. I was just a young man then and had so much enthusiasm for learning new things and acquiring new skills. Since, we (myself and a couple of colleagues) were living in a hotel we used to go out quite often, as it got us away from the humdrum routine of eating packaged, ready-to-eat Indian food in our hotel room.

This one time we went to the little mall-type place situated under the Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof (Frankfurt Main Railway Station). We saw a pizza shop and decided to try it. I had been boning up on German language (I knew none when I went there the first time), and by now I thought I could order a pizza in Deutsche. (While we call both of them German in English language, the German word for German language is Deutsche and for a German man it would be Deutscher pronounced doe-itch and doe-itch-ay).

My colleague was also Indian but she was not vegetarian. So her ordering was simple. She just pointed to a pizza she liked and ordered a slice. These pizzas were the huge, industrial-size type where you ordered a slice not a whole pizza unless you had your 3 wives and 19 children with you to help you!

When it was my turn I cleared my throat and started in with my fantastic (I thought so) German, while keeping my East Delhi accent.

Me: "Haben Sie vegetarisch pizza?" (Do you have vegetarian pizza?"
The girl at the counter: "Ja. Das ist vegetarisch." (Yes, this is vegetarian.) She pointed to one.
Me: "Ja. Eine, bitte und eine Cola Light." (Yes, one please. And a Diet Coke).

I was pleased as a dog who's just landed a flying saucer when I joined my colleague at a table with my winnings from the purely German encounter!

The pizza was exquisite!

I liked it so much that I decided to get one slice wrapped up for later. I was addicted to internet chatting during that period and usually got peckish about 1 AM or so.

I went to the girl, pointed to the same pizza and asked for another slice.

She nodded, "Ja. Fisch?"

I shook my head, "Nein. Vegetarisch."

She shook her head, "Nein, das ist fisch!"

"What??", my mind went into a tailspin and I very quickly forgot the few words of German that I knew! This girl was telling me that this pizza was not vegarian but Fish! I recalled with distress that every time I told a German friend that I was vegetarian their first question was, "So do you eat fish?". For Germans Fish is vegetarian!

I tried again, "But you said this was vegetarian?!!"

She nodded, "Ja. Ja. Vegetarisch."

I had a sinking feeling in my gut now, "But you are saying this is fish?!"

She nodded again, "Ja, ja, fisch."

I was thinking if it'd be okay if I killer her a little bit. But I couldn't because she was being so sweet and polite. It wasn't her fault she didn't know a word of Englisch! My friend's German was limited to pointing at things and holding up her fingers for quantity so no use asking her to pitch in!

Finally, with the help of a LOT (and I mean a LOT!) of hand gestures and some slow and repeated German, the girl explained to me that the pizza I had ordered was indeed Vegetarisch, but it was sold out between then and now, and she had replaced it with a pizza that contained fish.

Oh my god! I breathed a 2.3 miles long breath of relief and thanked her sincerely for explaining all that to me!

To this day, whenever I think about that incident, I can't help but smile. I am not likely to ever forget when I had vegetarian pizza German style!

AH's internet connection

You should read this post by AH (I wish she'd give me her proper name, I don't really like calling a pretty girl AH like she's some kind of an android..but we digress!)

Read it only if you know Hindi as this is her bilingual poem on her loss of internet connection.
http://dilkibaatblogkesaath.blogspot.com/2011/02/fultu-bakwaas-kaha-gaya-mera-interenet.html

While my heart goes out to her in her distress (losing your internet connection can be very traumatic for a 21st century person), I am also impressed that she channelled her pain into this creative process and came out with a nice poem. Well done!

Remember when I did that post on my poem that was the result of a toothache? Of course you do. Well, this reminds me of that. According to an old quote we admire in others when see something of our own in them. Maybe that's why I like this post? But still, she did good.

Confidence - Plan - Results

People sometimes express surprise at my over-abundant and most times unreasonable confidence. They ask me where I get it. Well, I watch things like this. Watch this clip below and tell me you are not impressed by his sheer confidence.

Okay, that might have sounded stupid. Confident but stupid. But he has a plan.

Of course, now you are curious about what happens to his plan, does he succeed? Or is he crushed by a cruel Universe? Watch here.

When you want something with all your heart, and try your best for it, the Universe conspires to get it for you. Never doubt that.

Cheers - The Shoe Fairy

I found this one side-splitting funny.

Hilarious Essays

[Source: http://www.goodquotes.info/funny-things-written-by-kids-in-essays-2.html#more-45]

The made me laugh till I was breathless, I hope they'll make you smile too.

The following quotes were accounts of history written by kids in their essays. What grade do you think they earned for writing statements like these? Oh, weeping for the future of humanity…

“The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.”

“Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.”

“In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.”

“Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.”

“Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus.’”

“Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.”

“Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.”

“In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.”

“Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.”

“It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.”

“The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.”

“Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.”

“During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.”

“Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.”

“One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.”

“Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.”

“Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.”

“Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.”

“Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.”

“Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.”

“The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.”

“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.”

“Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.”

“The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.”

“Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a natureist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.”

“The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in human history.”

[Source: unknown]

Calvin and Hobbes Quotes

Some very funny Calvin & Hobbes quotes are here.