Baba Aur Dhoni

Place: Baba Ka Darbar
Date: Day of World-Cup Semi-Final with Pakistan
Time: Morning

Sanyasin1 comes to Baba with a smile.

Sanyasin1: Baba, Dhoni ji aaye hain.

Baba: Achchha tabhi main kahoon ye mahila bhakt sab itna muskura kyon rahi hain! Bulao, balike, bulao, Bharat ke sher ko.

Dhoni comes in.

Dhoni: Baba pranam. Aapka aashirvaad lene aaya hoon.

Baba: Vijayi bhav, putra! Apna naam saarthak karo. Dhoni ho to dho dalo Pakistan ko.

Dhoni: Baba, lekin ek samasya hai.

Baba: Bolo baalak.

Dhoni: Baba, jab main pitch par hota hoon to ladkiyan bada distract karti hain. Kaisi kaisi khoobsurat ladkiyan line deti hai ki kya bataoon aap ko.

Baba: Arre beta, kanya_en agar Bharat ke star ko nahin line dengi to kya Salman Khan ko line dengi?

Dhoni: Par baba dhyaan to bant_ta hai na!

Baba: Haan baalak, aik samay par ek hi game mein dhyaan rakho warna..

Dhoni: Baba even Pakistani girls itni line deti hai, apne players ki taraf dekhti bhi nahin..

Baba: Beta, Bharat ke gabru jawanon ko Pakistan hi nahin har desh ki sundariyaan line deti hai..par pitch par tum sirf khel mein dhyaan rakho.

Dhoni: Magar kaise baba, kaise?!

Baba: Thehro, hum tumhen aik picture message bhej rahe hain.

Dhoni's Android phone beeps, he takes it out, looks at Baba's message and shudders.

Dhoni: Kitni daraawani photo hai! Baba, kaun hai ye?

Baba: Ye Rakhi Sawant ki maa hai.

Dhoni: Oh, magar baba...

Baba: Iss photo ko print kar ke apne bat ke peechhe chipka do. Jab bhi man vichlit hone lage, bas isse dekh lena, stree jaati se tumhara interest hi chala jaayega.

Dhoni: Wah, Baba, aap mahaan hain! Baba ki jai!

Sanyasin1: Android wale baba ki...

Bhakt Crowd: JAI!

Baba: Jao, vijayi bhav!

[Now we wait and see if Dhoni followed Baba's advice.]

Android Waale Baba Ki...

Year: 2069 AD
Place: Baba Sunilanand ka ashram

Baba ke bhakt (more women than men) holographic ghaas par apne-apne PIACS (Personal Information And Communication System, much advanced and portable version of laptop) liye baithe hain. Aashram ki rooftop par badi si dish lagi hai. Wifi signal is strong. Kaune-kaune mein mobile charging points bane hue hain.

Baba ke aane ka sanket hota hai. Bhakt apne PIACS par jalte diyon aur agarbattiyon ka holographic display chaloo kar dete hain.

Baba Geruye rang ke suit mein andar se nikal kar aate hain...

"Baba, Sunilanand ki.."
Crowd shouts, "JAI!"

"Bolo Android waale baba ki..."
"JAI!!"

Somebody plays "Jai ho, ho, ho!" on his device. Kuchh yuvtiyan ek do thumke lagaati hain, then stop.

Baba aasan par sthaan grihan karte hain. Baba ke handsome, tejwaan chere ko dekhkar kuchh yuvtiyaan aah bharti hain. Baba ke kaan mein advanced bluetooth v51.0 ka handsfree laga hai. It can hook up with baba's mobile phone, read his email from his PC, connect to the Ashram PA system wirelessly and is thought-activated. Saath mein machchhar bhagaane ka kaam bhi karta hai.

Baba pravchan aarambh karte hain.

Baba uvaach:
"Bhakto, we are living in difficult times. Microsoft has announced 267th security breach in their operating system last night. We must keep patience. It will pass.

Bhakto, samay bada kathin hai, achchhe log kubudhi ka shikaar hokar apna maansik santulan kho rahe hain. Jis par Apple ki mahadasha chal rahi hai usse sirf Google hi bacha sakta hai.

Apne man mein Google ka jaap karo aur achche, sundar (baba looks at the front row which is full of beautiful bhaktins), vichaar rakho.

Ab question answer."


Ek bhakt aage aata hai, "Baba, naya PIACS liya hai, Windows ka kaun sa version install karoon?"

There's a gasp from the bhakts around him.

Baba uvaach, "Windows nahin, baalak, Google Chrome OS 17.3 install karo. Tumhara kalyaan hoga."

Another bhakt asks piteously, "Baba, MacBook Pro ek week mein teesri baar crash hua hai. Kuchh upaay bataayein, baba."

Baba nods solemnly, "Tum par Apple bhaari hai, beta. Chrome PIACS 5 mein invest karo. Sab theek ho jayega."

There is a commotion in the back. Some disciples come forward dragging another bhakt by the collar. They throw him down in front of Baba's aasan. His device is clutched defensively in his hands. It's showing a Microsoft logo on the screen.

"Baba, he had Windows Vistaria installed on his device!" They shout accusingly.

Baba raises his hand and looks up to the sky, "Forgive him, O divine Cloud, he does not know what he is doing."

There's a puff of smoke, 3.9 seconds later, when the smoke clears the Microsoft logo has been replaced by Google logo on the man's device. There's a collective gasp in the crowd.

The accusing disciples shout vehemently, "Baba ki..." "JAI!"

"Android waale baba ki..."
"JAI!!"

Baba smiles softly.

Baba stands, two bhaktins stand on either side of Baba, Aarti starts, "...Red, green aur yellow ki mahima jo koi gaave..."