Movie Review - Rum Diary - More like crap diary

[The image is not from the movie. I just like Amber Heard.]

Oh my god, what a shitload of crap! 

Okay, let me be clear here first, any time I spend doing a review for this pile of garbage is a waste of my life just as the two hours of watching it were.

But I am still doing it, as a public service, so I can save some other innocent, unsuspecting people from wasting 2 hours of their life on this bilge.

(Hmmm, if I insist on writing this as a full review I will need some more synonyms for crap.)


First step - motivation. Here's a fact list based on the trailers.

I don't Johnny Depp at all.

I didn't think the story had any promise.

I didn't like the backdrop of the story.

I saw a very hot looking Amber Heard in the trailer.

I love Amber heard.



Clear enough? Even on that score the movie disappointed me hugely, and I do mean that..hugely, like in a big way...like I wanted to put a chair through that screen when it finished! And I am not a violent man outside of martial arts classes.


When we entered the theatre, it was almost full to the capacity. So full indeed that I and my friend couldn't find two seats together, the only seats available were across the aisle frome each other.

That wasn't a big deal. Since it was not a girlfriend I went with but a male friend. It was okay. Only it became a big deal, later, when he wanted to ask me if I wanted to leave, but couldn't because we were sitting apart.

Looking back at it, that should have been my first clue. I don't know what it is about this town, but the audience here seems to be stupid. With the exception of Real Steel, the last few times whenever we have found the theatre full, the movie has turned out to be a colossal bore, a huge waste of time, a crapfest. Every time!

Next time I see the theatre full when I walk in, I am gonna walk right out!

So, because of the seats situation and my overall low-expection from the film (and the fact that I would have to watch Johnny Depp) put me in a foul mood and I started watching it with a "Okay-try-and-make-me-laugh" attutide.

And would you believe that in 1 hours 59 minutes of movie it could not make me laugh even ONE time?? The best it got was a half-smile on one dialogue by Aaron Eckhart but that's it. And before you say nobody can make you laugh unless you want to, I'll say you are wrong. I have watched movies and TV shows in worse moods before and a good show can not only make you laugh, it can make you forget what you were upset about. This movie actually put me in a worse mood than I had started in.

Let's get into detail now. And I will discuss the story in detail including climax because I don't WANT anyone else to go see it.

So, the story? Is very simple. A plan by a few poweful people to despoil and dominate an uninhibited island in Puerto Rico.

The plot is unfolded quickly and simply. No surprises.

The acting? Hmm, let's see. I don't know what Johnny Depp thinks he is but he couldn't make me like him. Thoroughly unimpressed by his performance. I really like Aaron Eckhart, but his role was so straightforward and boring that he had no way to do anything special in it. The only performance I liked was the guy who plays sidekick to Depp in the whole film. I am not gonna bother to look up his name.

Amber Heard is a really beautiful girl, but she has like 5 or 6 small scenes in the whole film. Based on the movie's synopsis, I was expecting her to have a role that dominated the film alongwith Depp but here she seems like window-dressing, an afterthought. You can cut her whole role out of the movie and not miss anything. She looks pretty, but I hated her character.

To be fair, audience did laugh in about 4-5 places in the movie but they had come to laugh, and maybe they liked Depp for some perverse reason. The strangers sitting in my row on my right didn't laugh either. The situatiosn that could have been funny had either been used up in the trailer or were so cliched that you needed 5 drinks in you to actually smile at them.

The climax was the clincher. The climax has some good (good as in long) build-up, one lone man against the authorities and all that, but it lets the audience down horribly when the hero just gives up.

No, I am not kidding you. That's exactly what happens. Depp wants to print the paper one last time with help from disgruntled employees, to expose Aaron's plot. The people do not come to support Depp. Aaron comes and takes away the machines of the newspaper before Depp gets there. So, Depp steals Aaron's boat and goes to New York. Credits roll.

What the hell makes a good hero? It's not good looks, it's not physical strength, it's not his charm with the ladies..it's his character. A hero is a hero because he pokes trouble, he fights the good fight.

In Die Hard 4 Bruce Willis explains to the nerdy young guy that he doesn't want to do this but if doesn't nobody else will. "And that makes me that guy!"

Later in a climax scene, when bullets are flying and the villain has the upper hand that nerdy guys saves the life of Bruce's daughter at his own peril.

Later still, when Bruce thanks the nerd for that, he replies, "Hey, what was I gonna do, let her die?"

And Bruce says, "And that makes you THAT guy!"

But this guy is not that guy, he just tucks his tail between his legs and leaves town. That's when I felt like I wanted to pick up a chair and hurl it at the screen. Fortunately for me, they were all bolted down.

If I didn't have an unlimited movie card, I'd have gone to the counter and asked for my money back!

In conclusion, it's a piece of shit, a pile of garbage and a load of crap. Don't go see it. Don't even buy a pirated copy. Tell your friends, not to go see it and to tell their friends not to go see it...

This review will have lots of grammar and spelling problems because I am not going to re-read it before posting. I refuse to waste any more time on this crap of a movie.

'Nuff said.