Monday, January 16, 2012

Bullshit Omniscience Principle

This is a principle that I have come up with. In says that like God, "Bullshit is everywhere." Let me elaborate.

You must be familiar with the old quote, “It’s love that makes the world go round.” Some jaded people hold the view that “It’s money, not love, that makes the world go round.” Actually both are wrong.
My principle, Bullshit Omniscience Principle, says that "It’s not Love and it’s not Money, it’s the Bullshit that makes the world go round. If it weren’t for the bullshit that we constantly hand each other the civilization as we know it would cease to exist."

I know, I know, you are not convinced yet. I will prove it with examples from real life. But before that, let's define what constitutes bullshit. I'd say that anything which you say but don't mean, all the half-truths, all the white lies, all the things you say just to please someone...etc. etc. that's all bullshit. 

So when you go visit a friend couple and see their child for the first time, the first words out of your mouth are, "Oh, he's sooo cute! Cho chweet!", even when you are thinking, "God, they can use HIS photo to scare Gabbar Singh!". Bullshit! 

When you meet a friend's wife or girlfriend for the first time, afterwards you tell him, "Shefali seemed really nice!" Bullshit. Actually you were thinking, "Such a control freak! She's going to make his life a living hell. And doesn't he see those teeth or what?"

When ladkewale talk to the bride's father at the planning stage they always say, "We don't want anything..." Bullshit! They think the bride's father will give them more than they can ask for. 

When you are sitting in front of the interviewer for the job, your words are and I quote, "I don't worry about overtime, the work should be finished." But after you get the job, you make sure if you enter the office at 9:01 then you leave by 17:01 not 17:02 even if you have to shut down everything 20 minutes in advance. And any day when India is playing Pakistan is a day for you to fall sick. 

The interviewer is no fool either, he's paddling his own bullshit. "Our company has an excellent employee growth program.." when he's really thinking, "Yes, we will give you a score of C+ on appraisal and give you a 3% raise or tell you to go find another job." 

This is even more interesting in the case of girl candidates. She would serve up some bullshit wrapped up in nice words, "I am very focused on my career, I am hard-working, a team player and totally dedicated to my work." When actually, she's thinking, "My father is looking for a boy for me, as soon as the engagement is done, I will be out of here so fast there will be a hole in the air."

And the interviewer is thinking, "So what if she doesn't know anything about automation and answered 7 of the 10 questions wrong. She's cute, at least there will be some good-looking faces around here, the male-to-female ratio in the testing team is already so pathetic!" 

The examples are too many and time too little. But let's take one more. 

You are on a date with a beautiful girl with a figure like your favourite bollywood goddess. You say, "My god, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen!" Bullshit! You were looking at boobs, you don't even know what colour her eyes are! 

On the other hand, she is saying, "Awww, you are so sweet!" but thinking, "Thank god, I Googled him before coming on this date. If he didn't make so much money, I'd out of here like a scared rabbit...what a geek!"

Okay, I must stop here, as you can see there is absolutely no shortage of examples from our real life and I think I have made my point now. 

Let me summarize by saying that bullshit is the lubrication that keeps the wheels of the civilization turning smoothly, it's the glue that holds this world together. In fact if there's one thing that separates us from the Neanderthals it's our capacity to paddle bullshit all day, every day, ad infinitum

But you know, if you want some no-bullshit material you can always come read my blog. ;) 

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