I watch TV with the lazy attitude that it needs. It's the idiot box and
I watch it idiotically. I just set it to one channel and let the re-runs
of the re-runs of my favorite TV shows play out while I give 80% of my
attention to my laptop. When that channel starts playing something I
don't like I switch to my other steady channel. And when none of them
are running my favorite show I choose the one I dislike less. That is
why I watch or rather let it play, "Sex and the City" instead of "Ghost
Whisperer".
This particular episode had one of the stories of this lady (one of the
main 4) dating a guy who's a bartender. She is successful, makes much
more than he does and they go out only to places that he can afford. One
time she invites him to a dinner at her firm and tries to buy him a nice
suit for it. A suit that he cannot afford to buy himself. From all I
could see she was very considerate of his feelings throughout. But when
the money changes hands, that can't be done invisibly, can it? She would
have to pay from her card no matter how smooth and how considerate she
wants to be about the whole thing. But he doesn't let her pay and tries
to pay himself and does.
Finally, the guy comes to her door on the night of the dinner and tells
her he returned the suit as he could not afford it, and breaks off with
her because of the difference in their status.
Now, I am a guy and I can readily understand his feelings.
My all time favorite Indian TV show was "Phir Wohi Talaash" which was a
romance/drama show. The hero, a nice, intelligent guy, who comes from a
village background and has no money, the heroine, his college mate, is
from an affluent family in the city. They meet, get attracted, become
friendly, then romantic. He tells her in a coffee shop, "Hum yahaan
tabhi aayenge jab main tumhen coffee pila sakta hounga!" (We'll come
here only when I can treat you to coffee!) She smiles sweetly and
accepts his condition. I liked that guy. He didn't want to compromise
his integrity and be indebted to the rich girl.
I myself maintain that girls should not open their purse when they are
with a guy. Yes, I can be quite primitive in some matters. What's more,
I like this primitive thing, it is the man's job to protect, care and
provide for this girl. But still, I do enjoy it when my girl buys me
something nice, from her own money.
But as I watch this pretty girl with tears in her eyes asking, "So I am
being punished for being successful?", doubts run through my mind. In
the evolving times, things have to change. I would still not let the
girl pay for a meal in a restaurant, (unless she's giving her birthday
treat), but will I have to break up with a girl I like just because she
makes more money than I do, or much more money than I do? Frankly, I
don't know. But if I did, it'd be stupid of me, I can tell you that.
I don't know if there's a formula for this, the superintelligent
psychologists and psychiatrists would surely have one but I don't know
it, but I would like to say that it does need re-thinking. If in order
to be happy you have to date girls who are unambitious, idiotic losers
than I think that's what you really deserve.
However, this thing is not all one-sided. The women also once they start
earning, get a big superiority complex that makes them insufferable.
That I would find a good enough reason to dump a girl!
The one major point where I find myself radically different from the guy
on the show, he was content to be just a bartender for the rest of his
life. That's not me. I like to shoot for the stars and don't care how
many people call me stupid for that. *grins*
As you know this is not the psycho-analysis blog, it's just my personal
radio station, to air any random thoughts that come into my mind...don't
be afraid to share your own point of view on this.
3 comments:
Hi! Sunil,
your blog post starts off with a very callous attitude and carries on towards an area of life which requires a lot of thought.
If it were not for a blog post, I would refrain from commenting on this sensitive a matter in a guy's life.
Our society has been built such that the male has been the bread winner while the female cooks.It probably started in archaic days when males had more brawn to beat and kill animal prey and women had the brain to handle fire right! and cook and also give sensible training to kids.It was set up for convenience of the family.
But, as times went on, it became a painful societal practice that men however dumb have to score well in math and then go out to earn, while women however smart have to stay at home and watch TV while their pressure cooker cooks and their kids are learning the right things in a school.This system is now well undergoing a change over generations with many women earning equal or more than their husbands. [anyways, men were always created to do the brawn work. And today's society needs brain work! So, women are taking over]
If a guy is still stuck in the archaeological days, then he'll suffer and make his woman suffer too. Well, if a woman is earning more, then she might as well enjoy the fruits of her earning by going with a guy she loves to a restaurant which she can afford. Unless she has slipped her credit card into his pocket before hand, she will have to open her purse or end up sending her guy away to wash dishes there for a few days.
If the guy does not want to have a woman who earns more than her,then he should be nice enough to not entice her in the first place. Or he should be gentlemanly enough to have put efforts since his teenage to have grown into a man who can provide a good standard of living for the woman who will fall for his persona.
If he has not done both, then he should accept that as a simple fact of life and stop feeling the pain of earning lesser than his woman, stop feeling insecure when his woman stands next to or talks to guys who earn as much or more than her, stop burdening her with the complications of his insecurity. Is that really possible with the current mind set of today's men? Today's men see their girl friends undergo menstrual cramps during exams and yet score higher than them, they see their wives face pregnancy and go to the work place with a smile, they see their wive deliver a baby- hold the family together- run a home- and also go back to work in 2 months- while they continue make the man feel loved and cared for.
Today's men are somewhere between accepting women as equals, accepting women as superior and denying the whole thing all together.
Even though I don't expect an answer to my question, I certainly expect some retaliation :)Eventually men will sort out an answer to your question and even a common man will know the answer which probably only the psychologists do today.
Sunil,
I read through your blog post again and I came up with more I wanted to say… I’m hoping that I’m not abusing your welcome to share individual view points.
Your description of idling during TV time is pretty typical of the way most men go about their love life. They are lackadaisical about trying to find someone interesting so they just turn on the topic in the background of their lives and glance towards it every now and then. Then they stop at one or two not so interesting women (because they’ve always been convinced that the interesting ones will surely turn them down if they dare approach) and keep swinging between those two until one for whatever reason becomes more favourite. But, even when they have their woman on the top of their lap (symbolically the lap top!), they’re still keeping the back ground watch for women on (the TV in the back ground) and they channel surf and watch an interesting tit bit here and there, hoping that one will turn on some excitement in their lives.
Honestly speaking, the basic need of having a nest was to give a safe haven for beings to rest, to be protected against natural predators and to stay safe against nature’s fury and natural calamities. Man and woman were created to make a mutual –yet complimentary effort to love, to procreate and to teach a pleasant way of life to future generations. Today’s human world has complicated life so much, that the very basis of the emotional foundation of a home has become uneven! What can we expect families to build on?
Speaking from a female stand point, today, a human female cannot fall in love with a male by getting attracted to her definition of basic good looks. She also has to make sure that he has not worn his hair as green spikes and has ears pierced which her father won’t accept and might disown her from the family fortune; If he’s very neat and clean shaven, she has to make sure that he’s not the kind who places his hands between another man’s legs and flashes a perfect smile at him! ; If he’s rugged and charming that he’s not the kind who swings one or two women per week and is a walking vector of STDs ; if all else is ok – his hair is just ruffled to the right extent – he’s a true man – and he thinks he’s a womanizer but he’s really not – then she needs to think whether when they put his wallet to weigh, her purse will tip the balance of the home. So, what are women left with? A world full of men ,each with one or the other major short coming! [I agree that men face this with women too] . That is the basis of this gripping soap opera called “life” where successful women accept one or the other compromise on their men and suffer the emotions with them. Women at some point in their lives just decide that one short coming is more bearable for them than the other and just try to go by that decision.
What happens after this decision is supposedly exciting for a few days, and then the expected routine of men believing that their focus is 80% on the laptop while it’s actually 55% and increasing on the back ground activity, is bound to occur. Well at least some of the male clan have openly discussed their intentions and ended up getting all of the others beaten up(sometimes verbally and sometimes with the roller pin) by the women in their lives. But, I must admit that women have simply gotten away without accepting the truth about similar behavior for generations. Women behave too faithful and men are too egoistical to accept that their women are channel surfers too.
Hi LP,
I do not agree with at least 99.9% of your comment but still thanks for taking the time and sharing your thoughts.
I was not sure I wanted to reply to these comments of yours, as you of course live in your own little world and I was tempted to let you go on living with your beliefs as I know very well that anything that I or anyone can say will not make you change your beliefs no matter how solid the logic of the arguments.
But finally I thought it might be good exercise for me so here is my response - to both your comments.
People believe only what they want to believe and it doesn't matter how things are only how we think they are. For example in both your comments you call my TV-watching attitude callous, stupid, mindless, unfaithful etc. etc..but did you notice that I watch re-runs of re-runs of the same shows. AND I still laugh at the jokes in those shows. That doesn't sound faithful to you?
No, I do NOT idle during TV watching, I have my laptop on for that specific purpose. On the laptop also I am having fun, either playing in SL or surfing or something similar.
You have expressed a lot of opinions in your comments, which is fine, other than that you have expressed them as facts.
Are you sure the women were left to tend the fire because of the brain and not because by nature women like to nest and create a nice, comfortable place for their family?
Also, keep in mind that a woman is comparatively not well-equipped to face dangerous predators of the wild and therefore cannot, should not, be exposed to those dangers.
When you talk about dumb men and smart women you make it sound like an established fact that majority of the populace is like that whereas I have no reason to believe that you have done enough research to uphold your opinion as fact. And please! don't give me examples from academic results. I am not convinced that academic excellence is a sign of intelligence.
"anyways, men were always created to do the brawn work."
What is your scientific proof to support such a bold statement DoctorLP?
The society is undergoing a change and the worth and perceived value of women is increasing, and it should, but women are NOT taking over nor they will anytime in the near future.
Let me state a basic truth - men and women are different. But they complement each other, they must complement each other or they'll perish. That's how Nature intended it to be. Any time one of them makes the mistake of thinking that he/she is better than the other it will be an stupid opinion and not a statement of fact.
Again, if a woman earns more than the guy why does she make the mistake of thinking that it makes her superior to him? I think that opinion/attitude causes more problems than the actual paycheck. I personally know of couples where both the people earn, with the woman bringing in the larger share and they are able to maintain a happy, healthy home.
The intent on the part of the guy to protect the girl and take care of her, including financially, is very primitive, meaning that it is set in the very construction of his being and it's not going away any time soon.
As for me, I would not want it to go away at all. On my part, I think that the attempt to pay and care for her needs is my way of taking care of her, offering her a part of me which aside from love can also be money.
I will answer the question that I asked myself about how I'd react in a situation like that, I think I would accept the gift of a suit from a woman who earns more than me but it will be based on the depth of my relationship with her, a few casual dates definitely do not warrant such a gift.
I posted the blog entry as an attempt at honest and open self-analysis in order to look inside me and analyze the thoughts that had been invoked as a result of my exposure to a new thought. You took that honest attempt and turned into a club to beat all men over the head with it. And then you say that women are superior to men.
Let me quote from Margaret Thatcher
"Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't."
As long as women feel the need to declare that they are better and superior, they are not!
Eventually men will sort out an answer to your question and even a common man will know the answer which probably only the psychologists do today.
Two things - First, I said the phsychologists would have an answer for it. I did not say that they know the answer! I don't think that the psychiatrists of today know even 1% of the human phyche. They are like a blindfolded man trying to find a football in a dark field. Now and then they do bump into the ball and that does help the society but they are not the harbingers of the Truth that they claim to be.
Second, the male need to care for a female and the female need to be cared for are both very basic, very primitive needs, part of our genetic pattern. They are not going away, they are not changing, ever. They are essential to the survival of our race. So I do NOT expect men to ever find an answer to this question. Because it's not really a question but an inbuilt tendency.
You have commented on the male tendency to look around even when they are in a committed relationship. Again, part of the genetic pattern and NEVER going to change until and unless man start making eggs and women producing sperm.
The need and difficulty of finding the suitable mate, that was always like this and will always be like this.
If you read my original post again, you will find that I have been candid as well as honest in my analysis. Something like this I think might better belong in my personal diary than on a public blog. Even so, I have discussed my private thoughts with as much of an objective view as I could manage and without taking sides. From your comments however I get the feeling that I should somehow be ashamed for just being a man. Why do you feel the need to be so aggressive?
Let's see if you can try and be objective in analysing this problem which an advancing society has brought to the fore instead of proclaiming that "Men are evil! It's their fault!" as you seem to in these 2 comments. :-)
Hope to hear from you.
-Sunil
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